In Thickness And In Health

My wife isn't smart. She also doesn't read books or newspapers or know anything about current events or politics. I knew that when I married her, but we were both kids, and I thought it was kinda sweet and funny. Fifteen years later, it bothers and embarrasses me. I still love her, but I'm depressed by the idea of spending the rest of my life with someone who can't share some of what I see as life's basic pleasures.

--Hating Myself For Sounding Snobby

It's something of an attraction killer when you look deep into a woman's eyes -- and feel pretty sure you can see clear out the back of her head. Yes, 15 years ago, you pledged to spend forever with this woman -- surely intending to follow through, despite how she probably makes major life decisions by consulting fortune cookies. The truth is, we can lack foresight when we're younger. (As late as eighth grade, I announced to my parents with great gravitas: "Roller-skating is my life!") Though you care about her, what you're missing -- being similar in essential areas -- is called "assortative mating." Psychologist Michelle Shiota notes that "studies have repeatedly found that similarity between romantic partners in domains such as socioeconomic status, educational background, age, ethnicity, religion, physical attractiveness, intelligence, attitudes, and values predicts higher levels of marital satisfaction and lower likelihood of separation and divorce." Sure, you could focus on what you love about her and try to get your intellectual needs met elsewhere. However, if what makes you feel alive and connected to somebody is engaging intellectually, this might just be a bridge too far -- being with someone who believes the Electoral College is where your 18-year-old niece is going next fall to study bioengineering.