How To Pick Up Gorillas

I'm a white guy with a black beard -- growing out of my back. I know many women are grossed out by really hairy guys. Are there measures you recommend for back-hair removal?

--Bristly

When a woman sees you naked, you want her focused on jumping your bones, not on hiring somebody to jump you with a riding lawn mower. There are back shavers that look like big squeegees (the Razorba and the Mangroomer). But, if you have coarse hair, you could end up with razor-sharp stubble -- making being naked with you like spooning a lemon zester. Back waxing requires constant maintenance (in your case, probably moving into a spa), plus front waxing to match. The look you should aim for is somewhere between gay male stripper and Borat: think fur reduction over total fur removal. Laser treatment, which works best on those with light skin and dark hair, is probably your ideal bet for long-term back-hair thinning -- lasting months or a year, or very possibly, permanently. You'll still have some growth back there, but from a woman's perspective, there's feeling a little body hair and there's feeling like Dian Fossey making the first peaceful contact with a mountain gorilla.