How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Calm

I used to have a terrible temper. My girlfriend never experienced it, because I did major therapy before meeting her. Now, when I get upset, I step back, consider whether my beef is legit, and then think about how I can present it calmly. My girlfriend, who gets frustrated that I can't always discuss things immediately, says I "bottle up" my feelings.

--Formerly Volcanic

Rarely do you hear someone say, "So, I ran the issue by my therapist, made a list of pros and cons, meditated on it...and then went out and put a bat through the guy's windshield." Admirably, instead of continuing to lose your temper, you got it a little red leather collar, and now you just walk it out of the room on a matching red leash. This doesn't mean you "bottle up" your feelings. You're simply giving reason first crack at your problems -- which doesn't exactly come naturally. Psychologists Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky explain that we have two thinking systems: a fast-responding emotional system and a slower rational system. Your rational system does come around eventually -- typically, just in time to grab a broom and dustpan to sweep up the pieces of the job or relationship that your trigger-happy emotional system just exploded. Because relationships are happier when those in them feel understood and appreciated, it seems you need to give your girlfriend the details on where you were and how far you've come. (Whaddya know, you didn't spend those court-mandated anger management sessions with headphones on listening to Metallica.) Explaining this to her should help her understand that when you're mulling things over, she isn't waiting; she's benefiting. Maybe you'll get speedier at the reasoning process in time, but rushing you out of your cool-out corner is a bit like saying, "Hey, let's make conflict resolution more like drunk dialing!"