Home Invasion Is Where The Heart Is

A girl in my college accounting class came to my mom's house, where I live, to study with me for a test. While she was there, burglars broke in, made us strip to our underwear, then bound and gagged us. We were tied in chairs, back to back, but were able to hold hands. (We weren't hurt, and my mom came home and untied us a couple hours later.) I've always been attracted to this woman, but she has a boyfriend. However, our experience intensified my crush. Are feelings generated in a trauma legitimate? Should I make my feelings known?

--Rope Burns

Sorry I took so long answering your question, but I got abducted by aliens and they didn't have Wi-Fi on the mothership. If you'll believe me, I'll believe you -- and forget that your question sounds like the script to a G-rated porno: You both strip down, get tied up, and then the crooks leave and your Mom comes in with a plate of cookies and a box-cutter. It is possible that danger amped up your feelings of attraction. The intuitive explanation is that you bonded over a shared scary experience. It's hypothesized by researchers (but not yet well supported by evidence) that there's "misattribution of arousal": mistaking revved-up feelings from a scary situation for feelings of attraction. Anthropologist Helen Fisher speculates in Why We Love that "danger is novel to most of us" and "novelty elevates levels of dopamine -- the chemical associated with romantic love." (That was your brain on accounting...this is your brain on drugs.) You can make your feelings known to this girl, but you for sure shouldn't make an announcement. (Announcements are for lost dogs, fire drills, and airplane gate changes.) Proclaiming your interest will not only be embarrassing for both of you, she's sure to tell you what you already know -- that she has a boyfriend -- and leave it at that. Instead, take her out for drinks and try to kiss her afterward. She can always turn you down, and you can always blame it on the alcohol and go back to being study buddies. Act like it isn't a big deal, and it shouldn't be (avoid the temptation to lean over your textbook and ask, "Get tied up here often?"). Then again, if she likes kissing you, she might end up "confused" about her relationship -- which is the gateway drug to maybe ending it and seeing if there's anything "legitimate" with you. If girlfriend-poaching is against your principles, you could say something to her -- not in some big pronouncement-type way, but with an offhand remark: "Hey, if you ever ditch that boyfriend of yours, I'd love to take you out for dinner and a mugging."