Having A Bawl

My best friend just got dumped by her boyfriend, and she's totally devastated. I always thought he was a jerk, but I know saying that won't help her feel any better. I want to be there for her but don't know how. What's the best thing to say to somebody who's heartbroken?

--Lost

Assuming she isn't all "I wanna be alone!" you really just need to show up. You might even bring a little something: "I'm here, and I've got dinner. Very low-carb, too -- your ex's head on a spike." The thing is, for many of us, watching somebody sob is uncomfortable along the lines of walking in on them having sex. We are clueless about what to say to the weeping person, and we often use that as reason to bolt or to not show up at all. To be a better friend than that -- to stick around when the going gets sobby -- it helps to understand that sadness isn't some pointless emotional ailment. Like a tire jack, sadness has a function. In evolutionary terms, it's "adaptive," meaning that over evolutionary history, it helped solve some of humans' recurring survival and mating problems. Psychiatrist and evolutionary researcher Randolph Nesse points out in "Good Reasons for Bad Feelings: Insights from the Frontier of Evolutionary Psychiatry" that sadness slows us down and often leads us to ponder our choices, which can help us avoid putting our mistakes on endless repeat. One way you might help your friend is by encouraging her to find meaning in what she went through -- that is, to learn from the experience so she can make better romantic choices in the future. However, it may be too early for that. So your immediate job could be pretty simple: You're an ear that hands her Kleenex and occasionally dispenses cheery thoughts, like the wish that a giant wandering reptile bites off his penis or a hit man dissolves him in lye in a motel bathtub. "Peace 'n' love, gurl!" ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.