Haunting License

My boyfriend broke up with me recently. He wants to be friends, and I don't want to reject his friendship, but it's really painful when we hang out. How do I deal with the attraction I still have for him and the frustration and pain that he doesn't want more?

--Brokenhearted Gay Boy

It's hard to accept that it's over when your partner's breakup M.O. is essentially, "All good things must come to a middle." Unfortunately, the emotional bond you have with this guy won't conveniently disintegrate into a small pile of ash. Psychiatrist John Bowlby explains that when somebody dies (or your relationship with them does), you need to "reorganize" your "inner life accordingly" so when you require comfort, attention, or support, you no longer automatically turn toward your former partner to get it. That's why one of the healthier models for recovering from a painful breakup comes out of Oxford. No, not their psych department -- the dictionary, under the definition for "dumping": to "put down or abandon (something) hurriedly in order to make an escape." In contrast, contact with one's former partner after a breakup tends to slow a person's emotional recovery, reactivating or amplifying the "sadness, anger, or pining that had slowly dissipated since the initial separation," according to research by clinical psychologists David Sbarra and Robert Emery. In fact, though when we miss a person, we long to be around them, Sbarra and Emery find that seeing or even just talking with the ex you're trying to get over is likely to lead to "significantly more love and sadness, not less." Your ex is doing what's good for him alone, perhaps because he's a horrible person or perhaps because you haven't told him how much you're hurting or how painful it is to be around him. Tell him what you need, whether it's no contact for a period of time (like three months or six months) or whether the no-contact period that works for you is "forever." Don't hold back on doing what's best for your day-to-day healing and in the longterm. That's your job as a person -- not hanging out at your ex's place and letting him use you for everything but sex: "Bro, do me a favor and get on all fours, but keep your back straight so the drinks won't spill. It's just for a few days, until my new coffee table comes." ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.