Halving It All

I'm a 20-something gay man dating someone who makes much more money than I do. He picks up the tab on most dates, and while he seems okay with this, it makes me uncomfortable. I pay here and there, but I can't afford much beyond lunch or lattes. Does our financial inequality mean a relationship between us is doomed?

--Barely Scraping By

Chances are the guy doesn't think you're hoofing it up to the Coinstar clutching a baggie of change because you feel the nickels and dimes between your couch cushions could do with a little sun. What matters is how fair a relationship feels. Fair doesn't mean everything's exactly 50-50, as in, he puts in 50 cents; you put in 50 cents. It means you each seem equally invested -- equally motivated to make sacrifices to benefit the other -- as opposed to one of you pulling the cashwagon, plow-style, while the other just hops on, puts his feet up, and enjoys the ride. When there are imbalances -- when one partner puts in a lot and gets comparatively little in return -- it isn't just the more giving person who gets socked with the feelbad. Social psychologist Elaine Hatfield finds that partners who are "over-benefited" -- who fail to put in their fair share of the relationship effort -- "may experience pity, guilt, and shame," while those who feel "under-benefited" for their contributions can experience "anger, sadness, and resentment." The way to avoid either of these emotional crap carnivals is to voice your concerns. This should start a conversation that sets you two on track to be loving, equally contributing partners in the way you're each most able -- taking into account that your best bet for making a lot of money in the near future is probably counterfeiting hundred-dollar bills on your inkjet printer. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.