Good Mourning!

How long does it take to get over someone? One friend said it takes half as long as you were together, and another said it takes twice that time.

--Recently Dumped

Sometimes it takes a while to let go, but sometimes you're so ready that you'd chase the person off your porch with a shotgun (if you had a porch or a shotgun and weren't afraid of doing time on a weapons charge). Your friends, with their precise breakup timetables, are confusing emotional recovery with mass transit. The reality is, people vary -- like in how naturally resilient they are -- and so do relationships. (Some are long over before they're formally retired.) Sadness after a breakup can feel like the pointless adult version of getting grounded indefinitely. However, as I've written in previous columns, psychiatrist and evolutionary psychologist Randolph Nesse explains that sadness appears to be "adaptive" -- meaning that it has useful functions. For example, the "disengagement" from motivation that accompanies sadness gives us time to process what happened, possibly helping us learn from our mistakes instead of inviting them back in for an eggnog. Accordingly, a way to heal emotionally is to find meaning within your mistakes -- figuring out what you might have seen or done differently, which tells you what you should probably do differently in the future. In other words, think of the sadness holding you down not as your hostage-taker but as your helper. Deliberately using it that way might even help you curb the impatience that leads some to start dating before they're actually ready. Sure, on a first date, it's good to give a guy the sense that you're passionate and emotionally present, but probably not by sobbing uncontrollably when he asks whether you want a latte.