Getting A Friend To Exorcise

I'm trying to get over a breakup, and one of my best friends, in an attempt to help me move on, keeps saying, "He doesn't want you!" I get that (and I do need to move on), but hearing that makes me feel unlovable and even more depressed. I am seeing what went wrong; I should have believed him when he told me at the very beginning that he was "terrified of relationships." I'm sure it's frustrating for her to see me in pain, but I'm just not ready to get back out there. What do I tell her so she stops making me feel worse?

--Still Sad

Misery sometimes wishes company would shut its big flapping trap. Of course, your friend means well. She just wants Pain and its BFF, Suffering, to bugger off already. However, like most people, she probably doesn't understand that the sadness you're experiencing isn't just a crappy feeling. Like all emotions, it has a job to do. In fact, sadness is a tool, just like a hammer, a plunger, or a Winkelschleifer (German for angle grinder). Psychiatrist and evolutionary psychologist Randolph Nesse explains that "happiness and sadness usually follow experiences of gain or loss," helping us by "influencing future behavior" in ways that increase our chances of passing along our genes (including surviving long enough to manage that). Happiness, for example, urges us (about whatever led to it), "Do that again and you'll see even more of me!" Sadness, on the other hand, warns us, "Do that again, missy, and I'll drag you right back to Boohoosville." Though sadness can seem like some kind of punishment you don't remember deserving, Nesse writes that "those people who don't experience much sadness ... are predicted to engage again in the same behaviors that previously led to loss." Thank your friend for trying to make you feel better, but tell her that what you need from her is not tough love but the kind that involves hugs, Kleenex, and maybe a snack. Explain the utility of sadness -- and how you're using it as a tool to understand the past and act more wisely in the future. In other words, you aren't stalling in moving on; you're learning -- and not just how long you have to cry before the neighbors start going to work in rowboats and the government sends in the National Guard with sandbags and a year's supply of Cheetos.