Free (Scared) Willy

I'm a woman with a high sex drive. My boyfriend and I live a long plane ride apart. Months can go by between visits. On our first day together, he typically has erectile dysfunction. The next day, everything's good. However, it's hard to not take the first day personally. After we're apart for a while, shouldn't he be raring to go?

--Concerned

A classic car that's been garaged for the winter can also be hard to start, but that probably isn't a sign that you need to lose a few pounds and sex up the undies. Luckily for the car, it just needs a battery jump, not reassurance from the tow truck driver: "You've still got it, Impala!" For a man, however, first-day-back jitters can easily turn Mr. Happy into Mr. I Dunno What Happened. This occurs because emotions aren't just feeling-flavored thoughts; they have physiological underpinnings. Anxiety is a cousin of fear. The same area in the brain -- the amygdala -- sounds the alarm, chemically messaging your body to prepare it to fight or flee. Your body, in turn, shuts down processes not required for that, like digestion, and diverts blood flow where it's needed most: to your heart and the large muscles (in your arms and legs) that you'd use to hit back or run. (Sadly, the "third leg" does not count as an actual leg.) The thing is, if your boyfriend doesn't feel pressured to put on a big show, the show might just happen. On your first day together, tell him that you just want to cuddle and reconnect -- and act like you mean it. Your overriding goal should be making him feel comfortable -- though not the way an ER nurse would, by cutting off his jeans while he's asleep with a big pair of surgical scissors.