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APPLIED SCIENCE EXPERT AMY ALKON
Empowering you through science for your best health and boldest life
Flesh And Bleh
Isab
I started dating someone who is super close to his family (talks to his mom and/or dad daily, sometimes multiple times). I have a perfectly good relationship with my family, but we talk a few times a month, not a few times a day! I'm uneasy that being in a relationship with him will mean being in an intense relationship with his family, too. Should I be worried about dating someone so tied to his mom as an adult?
There's being close with your parents and then there's being close like one of those kids on a leash at the mall. Starting in the late '80s, childhood became like jail, with children no longer being allowed out to explore and instead incarcerated in fenced-in play dates. This came out of "helicopter parenting," named for parents overprotectively hovering over their kids, supervising every aspect of their lives. Helicopter parents remain in constant communication with their kids (including their adult kids), making their decisions for them, clearing obstacles out of their path, and trying to micromanage their children into Harvard and the "right" career, spouse, house, and all the rest. When you have constant adult supervision, and your mistakes are magically mopped up by Mom (like by calling your boss for you -- which, yes, really happens), you get shorted on the normal developmental challenges that create a psychologically healthy, independent adult. Not surprisingly, research by interpersonal communications researcher Kelly Odenweller and her colleagues suggests helicopter parenting leads to adult children with "neurotic tendencies, dependency on others, and ineffective coping skills." Look at how your boyfriend responds to conflict, and assess whether you've got a psychologically handicapped adult baby on your hands or merely a guy who really likes and enjoys his parents. That said, even if it's the latter, it might not work for you. Talk to him to suss out what sort of role his family would have in your lives. For example: What would be expected of you? Would you need to go to every single event with his family? If you got a job across the country, would moving be out of the question? Upon investigation, figure out what you'd be comfortable with. You may decide his level of involvement with his family doesn't work for you, and that doesn't make you a bad person or "wrong." It just makes you the wrong person for him. However, talking this out now could help you see whether there are compromises you two could live with (same as you might do if he were intensely into a hobby that you find intensely tedious). Maybe you'll always be a little "Disturbed" about his level of engagement with his family, but maybe you can work things out so his parents are involved in your life together...but not on the level of intestinal polyps....
For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.
--Disturbed
There's being close with your parents and then there's being close like one of those kids on a leash at the mall. Starting in the late '80s, childhood became like jail, with children no longer being allowed out to explore and instead incarcerated in fenced-in play dates. This came out of "helicopter parenting," named for parents overprotectively hovering over their kids, supervising every aspect of their lives. Helicopter parents remain in constant communication with their kids (including their adult kids), making their decisions for them, clearing obstacles out of their path, and trying to micromanage their children into Harvard and the "right" career, spouse, house, and all the rest. When you have constant adult supervision, and your mistakes are magically mopped up by Mom (like by calling your boss for you -- which, yes, really happens), you get shorted on the normal developmental challenges that create a psychologically healthy, independent adult. Not surprisingly, research by interpersonal communications researcher Kelly Odenweller and her colleagues suggests helicopter parenting leads to adult children with "neurotic tendencies, dependency on others, and ineffective coping skills." Look at how your boyfriend responds to conflict, and assess whether you've got a psychologically handicapped adult baby on your hands or merely a guy who really likes and enjoys his parents. That said, even if it's the latter, it might not work for you. Talk to him to suss out what sort of role his family would have in your lives. For example: What would be expected of you? Would you need to go to every single event with his family? If you got a job across the country, would moving be out of the question? Upon investigation, figure out what you'd be comfortable with. You may decide his level of involvement with his family doesn't work for you, and that doesn't make you a bad person or "wrong." It just makes you the wrong person for him. However, talking this out now could help you see whether there are compromises you two could live with (same as you might do if he were intensely into a hobby that you find intensely tedious). Maybe you'll always be a little "Disturbed" about his level of engagement with his family, but maybe you can work things out so his parents are involved in your life together...but not on the level of intestinal polyps.
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