Flee Bites

I broke up with my boyfriend because he didn't prioritize our relationship and wouldn't commit. He now wants to get back together and has been sending me cards and letters for weeks. Is it foolish to give him another shot?

--Red Flag?

A man who's all, "Forget the Tinder randos! I need you!" is a man whose sexual freedom means less to him than being with you. It's basically like a lion knocking on the door of the zoo: "Got a cage for me?" Still, it's natural you're giving his pleas to get back together the side-eye: "Hmmph. So...I wasn't good enough for you before, but I'm suddenly good enough for you now?!" However, his unwillingness to commit may have had little to do with you. There's this myth that you just need to find "the right person" and then you and Senor Perfecto ride off into the sunset together to Happily Ever After. In fact, clinical psychologist Judith Sills explains that you need to find not just the right person, but the right person at the right time: when both you and he are ready to commit. "Readiness" doesn't strike lightning bolt-style; it develops. It's a psychological shift that acts as a "catalyst for commitment": for the intimacy, vulnerability, and responsibility for another person that commitment entails. Evolutionary psychologists David Buss and David Schmitt observe that having sex can ultimately cost women vastly more than it costs men: nine months of pregnancy plus a squalling kid to feed versus a teaspoon of sperm plus a wave goodbye. So, for men, "a short-term sexual strategy" -- casual sex with a variety of women -- has "reproductive benefits," allowing them to leave more descendants carrying their genes (in contrast with a "long-term sexual strategy," commitment). However, which strategy is optimal for an individual man or woman is context-dependent. Contexts that motivate a man to commit include wanting a family, a meaningful partnership, and/or a "highly desirable woman" who can afford to put her foot down: "Relationship or bust, Bob." Chances are the "foot" scenario is behind your previously blase Bob's transformation (probably along with how we don't always realize what we have until we've lost it). Tell him something soon -- either that you'll hear him out or that it's over. If it's the latter, knowing now will allow him to go out with dignity -- before he scrapes bottom on chick flick lines to poach for his letters and decides begging for love can be genderfluid: "I'm also just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her." ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.