Fifty Shades Of Gay

My girlfriend and I are lesbians in our mid 30s and totally committed. She's pretty and more feminine than I am and likes getting male attention, and she gets it -- in restaurants, bars, pretty much anyplace public. Last night at dinner, some cute waiter dude was flirting with her, and she flirted back (nothing crazy, just teasing him, etc.). I got really upset. She apologized and reassured me that she's just playing, and that it was harmless because she wasn't flirting with a cute girl. Besides not getting why she's into this, I find myself resenting guys for not respecting our relationship, or worse, not even noticing it.

--The Girlfriend

The next time a guy comes up and says, "Hi, I'm Jeremy. I'm your waiter," you could just grab your girlfriend's boob and say, "Hi, we're Samantha and Karen, and we're life partners." Otherwise, it's mostly a big straight world out there, so people won't always get that you're together -- assuming you aren't dating Rachel Maddow or sporting matching crew cuts, grandpa cardigans, and combat boots. As for why your girlfriend flirts, flirting is a form of play -- and a ploy. People, gay and straight, flirt their way to free drinks or a better deal at the tire shop, to get confirmation that they've still "got it," or to flex their charm to make themselves and other people feel good. (No, when the supermarket cashier teasingly cards the 9,000-year-old lady, it isn't because he's looking to get busy with her in the back seat of his car.) If there's no reason to suspect your girlfriend is cheating on you, or would, and if she's only bantering briefly, not making you feel ignored, consider whether it's really her flirting you're upset about. (Maybe there are underlying insecurities or problems that need addressing?) It's generally a bad idea to cramp your partner's style, and especially when you know that her "relationship" with the waiter will end with her leaving him a tip -- the monetary kind, not an idea of what it might take for him to slide her around on the Kinsey Scale.