Fawn Juan

I'm a 31-year-old single guy with a problematic pattern. Women I ask out seem to love how I'm open and very complimentary from the start, but then, suddenly, they get cold feet. It seems that once women know they're desired, they're done with you. My guy friends tell me I should "play it cool," but then I'm not being authentic.

--True Man

Gushing over a woman right out of the gate -- "Wow...you have skin!" -- tends to give a man all the rough-hewn sex appeal of a Care Bear. The problem here comes out of what evolutionary psychologists David Buss and David Schmitt explain as men's and women's conflicting sexual strategies. For an ancestral woman, there was the possibility of high back-end costs from any sex act (children to dig grubs for and drag around). So, women evolved to be the commitment-seekers of our species, and men, the commitment-free sex seekers. Men still had a good chance of passing on their genes, even if they chose to "fun and run." (Of course, this worked better in the days before state-ordered child support.) Though it's the tail end of 2015, evolutionary psychologists Leda Cosmides and John Tooby explain that "our modern skulls house a stone age mind" with "stone age priorities." So, women expect to work to get a man to commit just as men expect to work to get a woman into bed. And just as women get devalued by men for being sexually "easy," men get devalued by women if they seem emotionally "easy" -- like by immediately throwing around compliments like glitter at a gay pride parade. This sort of thing doesn't say you find the woman beautiful or whatever; it says you find it a miracle that she went out with you at all. Try something new -- keeping a lid on the word drool. In other words, shut up and listen. Ask a woman about herself -- where she's been, what she thinks, what matters to her -- and engage with what she's saying. That's the sincere way to compliment a woman -- showing that you're interested in her as a human being instead of slobbering all over her like a dog that's been left home all day. The safe time to compliment a woman on her hotitude is after you've slept together. Women are often insecure about their bodies, and post-sex compliments will be appreciated (instead of depreciating you). All in all, keep in mind that the dating realm is like many other endeavors. Too much enthusiasm too soon typically makes you seem desperate...for something...anything...anybody. Picture yourself wandering into a bank and having a bunch of execs dash over: "We'd like to make YOU the president of Wells Fargo!" And you're like, "Umm...I was just coming in to get quarters for the laundromat."