Fate Club

I'm a woman in my early 30s. I grew up on a steady diet of romance novels, and I keep longing for the true "soul mate" love from my fictional world. No guy ever seems right, so I never feel that yearning, intense desire, and connectivity I've been searching for. I feel more of those emotions reading romance novels than I ever did with any boyfriend. Do you believe each person has a "true love"? Am I too much of a romantic?

--Lonely Dreamer

So, going by the romance novel standard, you're just looking for that handsome, rapey, billionaire sociopath who follows you around like a puppy. Unfortunately, a belief in "soul mates" is about as realistic. Each of us supposedly has our one and only perfect romantic match. Naturally, this person is conveniently located and culturally in lockstep and is never, say, a nomadic desert goatherd who thinks his life will finally be perfect if only he turns you into wife number eight. A person who believes in soul mates has a "destiny theory" of love, explains social psychologist C. Raymond Knee. They think two people are either fated to be together or they're not; whether a relationship is good or bad is beyond their control. They can be quick to give the boot to "less-than-perfect candidates" and to see any conflict as a sign a relationship should be abandoned as "just another distraction in the search for perfection." (I think he left out the word "endless.") Back here in reality, all humans are fallible, and being two different people (who are not dead) often means wanting conflicting things. People who understand this have a "growth" or "work-it-out" theory of love. They believe a happy, satisfying relationship doesn't just happen. It takes work. It's something two people create through what Knee describes as a paired process of "conquering obstacles and growing closer." Probably the best anyone can do in seeking a partner is figure out their personal must-haves (physically, emotionally, ethically, and any other essential "ly"s) and then find somebody with enough of them to make it worth working to build something together. Realistically, maybe your soulmate is that Mr. Wonderful who finds you beautiful while you're drooling into your pillow -- who you can sometimes hear from the next room chewing like something that eats hay out of a bucket. (All you need is not love but a pillow to smother him with and the wisdom to instead use it to stifle your screams.) ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.