Eye Will Always Love You

I've long been a "Shallow Hal," attracted to women's youth and physical beauty and less concerned with integrity. Not surprisingly, I keep getting into relationships with women who aren't very good people. How can I stop being so superficial?

--Man With Eyes

It isn't wrong to initially be looks-driven: "Now, she's a woman I wanna have sex with!" -- as opposed to "Now, she's a woman I wanna debate on Jeremy Bentham's views on utilitarianism!" Also, you should no more feel guilty for being drawn to young women than you would for having your taste buds be more "All aboard, baby!" for chocolate cake than for a "burger" made out of broccolini. This preference evolved to solve the "How do I pass on my genes?" problem for our male ancestors. (And no, the answer to that would not have been "Date grannies!") However, it helps to understand what psychologist Daniel Kahneman has explained as our two thinking systems -- fast and slow. Our fast system is emotion-driven, rising up automatically, and is often home to toddler-like demands: "Gimme cake!" Our slow system, the home of rational thought, needs to be forced to do its job -- examining our impulses and assessing whether it's wise for us to run with them. In other words, your problem comes from running with your initial impulse without putting it through the Department of Reasoning. Though it's natural to be led by your eyes, you need to implement a next step -- assessing the character of these foxerellas before you turn them into girlfriends. (This starts with generating standards so you can determine whether a woman meets or misses them.) In short, when you tell some babe, "Honey, everything looks good on you!" one would hope that you don't eventually learn whether "everything" includes a police-issued spit mask. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.