Eye Anxiety

I've been with my boyfriend for four years. I thought I was super happy, but I recently got a crush on a co-worker. Now I'm worried that maybe I'm not totally satisfied in my relationship. If I were truly in love with my boyfriend, why would I be crushing on somebody else? Does this make me more vulnerable to cheating? Should we go into therapy?

--So Confused

You're in a relationship, not a coma. That said, your worries are understandable. There's been a belief, even amongst some researchers, that crushing (on somebody other than one's partner) is the gateway to cheating -- as well as lower commitment and lower relationship satisfaction. Obviously, crushy thoughts about, say, a co-worker can lead to a hookup (or more) in a way that matter-of-fact thoughts -- "Why does he have four chargers?" -- do not. However, it turns out that researchers failed to make a distinction -- between having a crush (an attraction to a person other than one's partner) and having a high degree of what's called "attention to alternatives" (basically, eyeballs ever on the prowl for "attractive alternatives" to one's current partner). In research by doctoral student Charlene F. Belu and psychologist Lucia F. O'Sullivan, 80 percent of the participants reported having a crush on somebody other than their partner while in a committed relationship. Only a small subset (17 percent) of those participants "reported they would leave their romantic partners for their crush if the opportunity arose," suggesting that for many, their crushes "are not considered true viable alternative partners." The researchers found people's crushes to be "of relatively long duration, although not as long as the length of" a person's "current romantic relationship." This "duration ... suggests that one's crush endures in parallel to one's primary relationship." They even speculate that having a crush may even help sustain a relationship, by (mentally) "providing some variety to help cope with monotony" that's a natural part of long-term relationships but "without the risks inherent to infidelity." So, getting back to you, as long as your relationship's satisfying and the only sex vacations you take with your crush are in your mind, you're probably okay. In short, "I only have eyes for you" sounds lovely but is probably only realistic if you wear special headgear whenever you leave the house -- such as one of those stylish black bags favored by kidnappers and executioners. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.