Ember Alert

I want to end a relationship, but I don't know how. I don't want to hurt my boyfriend's feelings, but we're just not a good fit. I really hate conflict and would rather just ghost, but I know that's not right. What's the easiest way to break up with someone? Is there a way to make it less traumatic?

--Avoidant

The easiest way to break up with someone is to be crushed by a flaming meteorite. There's no uncomfortable conversation; your smoking ashes say it all: "It's not you. It's me, and specifically, the way I've been turned into a pile of fireplace trash." You, on the other hand, are turning this guy into a human beetle trapped in relationship amber because you're letting your emotions do your thinking. Psychologist Daniel Kahneman explains that our brain has two information-processing systems, a fast-responding emotional system and a slower rational system. Our fast emotional system jumps in automatically. (You just get angry when someone keys your car; you don't have to decide to be angry.) Reasoning, however, is "mental work," Kahneman explains. It requires choosing to make the effort, like considering whether your initial emotional reaction (in this case, "avoid conflict at all cost!") is actually a wise response. You might, for example, calculate how much time you spend daily fretting over procrastinating and add up the weekly "cost." Chances are you're actually having a ton of "conflict"; it's just not with the person it would be helpful to. Telling this guy, "I just don't think we're a good fit," on the other hand, releases him to find somebody who actually wants him. It also eliminates relationship issues that tend to crop up when you stay with somebody who isn't doing it for you anymore. (If your partner's inspired to get a battery-operated device to liven things up in bed, it shouldn't be a defibrillator.) ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.