Duck Face The Nation

I'm a woman in my late 20s. Guys don't have car crashes looking at me, but I am pretty and have a nice boyfriend. I have three drop-dead gorgeous girlfriends who are perpetually single, but not by choice. I realized that they all do two things: complain that things never work out with a guy and constantly post stunning selfies on Facebook. One takes a daily pic in her car, showing how hot she looks. When I mentioned this to my boyfriend, he said guys want a hot girlfriend but they don't want one who does that. Please explain.

--Wondering

Sure, getting other people to like you starts with liking yourself -- just not to the point where you're dozing off in front of the mirror. Selfie posting, not surprisingly, has been associated with narcissism -- being a self-absorbed, self-important user with a lack of empathy and a sucking need for admiration. But consider that there are nuances to what sort of person posts selfies and why. There are those who post selfies in keeping with their interests -- like "here's today's outfit!" (because they're into fashion) or "here I am about to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel" (because they are into adventure travel and are also kind of an idiot). Though these "stuff I like!" shots include a picture of the person, they're ultimately about some hobby or interest they have. And then there's the person -- like these women you mention -- who simply posts endless vanity shots, like "it's Monday, and I'm still alive, and aren't I pretty? #WeAllHaveOurCrossToBear" Clinical psychologist Christopher T. Barry and his colleagues found that posting a lot of "physical appearance selfies" is associated with a subtype of narcissism, "vulnerable narcissism." Vulnerable narcissism involves self-worth that's "highly contingent" on what others think, "hypervigilance" about rejection, and a tendency to manufacture a facade to protect against rejection. ("Grandiose narcissism" is the louder, more domineering subtype most of us think of as narcissism.) Yes, like ice cream and medical marijuana, narcissism comes in different flavors. Though you can probably feel for the vulnerable narcissists, they also come up short on empathy. They just do it more quietly. Chances are, guys who want more than a hookup or arm candy see a slew of "Worship me!" selfies as a generic sign of narcissism -- and a big flashing danger sign telling them to look elsewhere. As the saying goes, "beauty fades..." but unempathetic is forever.