Drop Dud, Gorgeous

I typically avoid conflict to keep from having ugly conversations. I'm in an unhappy relationship, and it's clearly not fixable. I always rely on the other person to end a relationship, even when it's making me really miserable. Why do I do this, and how do I change?

--Stuck Girl

Note that fighter planes have an "ejection seat" and not a "go down in a flaming wreck" seat. Fighter plane seat design is a helpful model for relationships that have run their course. Facts don't change because you refuse to acknowledge their existence. Your approach -- which I'll call "nonfrontational" -- is particularly counterproductive. Clinical psychologist Randy Paterson calls this a "passive" style of responding to conflict, driven by a goal of avoiding conflict "at all costs." In fact, what you end up avoiding is not conflict but temporary emotional turbulence -- the queasyfraidyanxiousness -- that would come with taking steps to resolve it. So, by avoiding conflict, you end up having much more conflict for a much longer stretch of time! But say you braved up this afternoon and told your boyfriend it's over. It would feel miserable in the moment, and that misery would have plenty of company as you did all those fun breakup things like sawing the couch in half. But then you'd be out -- instead of neck-deep in still miserable for another three months, or as long as it takes for your boyfriend to notice he's had enough. Healthy assertiveness starts with telling yourself that you have a right to try to get your needs met. Feeling worthy might take some emotional renovation. If so, do get on that, either on your own or with a therapist. However, there's a secret to asserting yourself, even as a person who's long avoided it. You don't have to feel worthy or even comfortable in order to do it. Admit that it'll feel scary, totally foreign, and generally like a big pile of suck to assert yourself -- and then do it anyway. You might also apply this to other areas of your life, from friendships to work. When a situation you're in becomes irreparably toxic and awful, there's a reasonable thing to do, and it isn't staying in it and having the cat join you once a week in a small private funeral for your enthusiasm. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.