Dr. Filler

I was a married man for a long time, but about a year ago, after grieving my divorce, I got into friends-with-benefits things with two different women. (Neither knows about the other.) We like each other, but we don't call or text regularly or discuss whether we're seeing anybody else. Well, last month, I met this great woman and felt a real romantic connection. We haven't slept together because I want to end these FWB things first. My question is: How do I do that? What does a woman who isn't a girlfriend but has been having semi-regular sex with a man want to hear that will not hurt her?

--Concerned

The really terrible breakups are those where the other party just won't let go -- like when the gym chain or cable company makes you talk with three "retention specialists" and show the lease to your new place 6,343 miles away, with no access to transportation but a rickety footbridge over a 400-foot chasm. However, most helpfully, Paul Mongeau, who researches communication in relationships, finds that there are three different levels of friends-with-benefits relationships: "true friends," "network opportunism," and "just sex." "True friends" mean something to each other. They know and care about each other and also have sex. "Network opportunists" are a step down from true friends. They're people in the same social group (or "network") who aren't really friends but are friendly enough to go home together if neither meets anybody better at the bar. And lowest on the FWB ladder is what you have -- the "just sex" thing. The just sex-ers don't hate each other or anything, but, as the researchers explain, for them, the "friend" in FWB "is a misnomer." They're in each other's life for one reason: to be sexual grout. It bodes well for the woman you want that you care so much about being kind to the women you don't. But consider that you probably have deeper and more frequent conversations with the guy who makes your burrito at Chipotle. So, for these women, losing their "just sex" man will be inconvenient and annoying but probably not as heartbreaking as needing to find a new plumber. Just politely inform them that you have to end it because you've started seeing somebody (and not just for 45 minutes at 1 in the morning).