Done Juan

I went on three or four dates with this dude, and he said it wasn't really working for him and stopped calling. I'm kind of confused about what went wrong or what put him off. My friends tell me to leave it alone. Doesn't he owe me more of an explanation for why he isn't interested anymore, considering we went on multiple dates?

--Baffled

You are owed: 1. The correct change. 2. The news that a guy you've been dating is no longer interested. Period. It is not his job to tell you that you are, say, bad in bed or have all the table manners of a coyote on recent roadkill. Still, it's understandable that you're pining for an explanation. Research by psychologist Daniel Kahneman suggests that being in a state of uncertainty -- not knowing what's what -- makes us very uncomfortable. It makes sense that we evolved to feel this way, as going through the world in a state of ignorance would not exactly increase our chances of survival, mating, and passing on our genes: "Oh, what a pretty berry! Here's hoping it won't cause violent convulsions and death!" However, there is a way to alleviate the mental itchiness from not knowing, even in cases where there's no way to know what really happened. You could say that we believe what we think -- and especially what we repeatedly think. Studies by memory researcher Elizabeth Loftus find that every time we recall a story (or even something we're told might have happened to us) it encodes it more deeply in our minds, often to the point where it starts to seem like it actually happened. In line with this, come up with a story for why the guy bailed -- ideally one that's easy on your ego -- and tell it to yourself repeatedly. For example, imagine him saying, "I just remembered that I'm emotionally unavailable" or, if that seems a little boring, "Your slight nose whistle is actually endearing, but it seems to have a thing for Dave Matthews covers, and I just can't stand that band." ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.