Denial Of Cervix

My husband's parents asked to be in the delivery room while I'm giving birth, and he said yes -- without asking me. Now he doesn't want to tell them otherwise, which is weird because he isn't usually lacking in assertiveness. I get along fine with my in-laws, but I don't want them in there with me.

--Horrified Mom-To-Be

There are those men who understand what it's like to give birth -- those who've passed a kidney stone the size of a decorative lawn boulder out a slim fleshy tube normally meant for urine. You are not doing a one-woman show in the delivery room; you are the lead character in a medical procedure -- one that can involve pooping while pushing, horror movie-esque blood spatter, and impressive strings of screamed profanity (interspersed with tender maternal utterances like "GET THIS DEMONSPAWN OUT OF ME!"). Sociologist Erving Goffman pointed out that we all engage in constant "impression management," editing our behavior to control how others see us. (Choosing how much of our selves to make public is a big part of this.) Goffman explains that losing control -- not being able to present our desired image -- is deeply disturbing to us, leading to feelings of shame and compensatory strategies to clean up the damage. (Never looking your father-in-law in the eye again sound good to you?) You say your husband generally isn't lacking in assertiveness. Chances are, in the wake of his saying yes instead of "Gotta check with my wife," he would feel bad about going back on it. (Maybe part of his impression management is coming off as a man of his word.) But back on his word he must go, because it's your choice whether you make your private parts public parts. Not surprisingly, you feel you put your best foot forward with your feet in shoes under the dinner table -- not in stirrups while the in-laws go sightseeing with the iPhone up the, um, Grand Canyon: "Look, Ralph...there's a little fist coming out! Quick! Get a shot for our Instagram!"