Dead Wait

I'm a 35-year-old guy who's been texting with this girl. She got out of a seven-month relationship two months ago and is still kind of emotional about it. We'll make plans to go out, but she always cancels at the last minute, claiming that she's "still a mess" and adding, "Hope you understand!" Should I just keep texting with her and see where things lead?

--Limbo

Think about the guys women get stuck on -- those they can't get to text them back, not those who put out lighted signs visible from space: "iPhone's always on! Call 24/7! Pick me! Yaaay! Over here!" Consider FOMO -- fear of missing out -- or, in scientist-speak, the "scarcity principle." That's psychologist Robert Cialdini's term for how the less available something is the more valuable (and desirable) we perceive it to be. This is not because it actually becomes more valuable but because scarcity triggers a motivational state -- a state of "grab it or lose it!"..."don't let it get away!" Contrast that with how available you are -- to a woman who doesn't seem ready for a relationship but is up for the emotional perks that come with. So she sucks up the consoling texted attention she gets from you but ducks out of any in-person get-togethers that could eventually lead to your trying to, well, console her with your penis. Consider shutting off the therapy spigot and making yourself scarce until she's ready to date. Tell her you want to take a timeout from texting and give her a little time to heal 'n' deal and then go on a date. Pick a night -- about a month from now -- and ask her to put it on her calendar, explaining that it's fine if she needs to reschedule if she still doesn't feel ready. Putting it on the calendar makes it tangible -- but putting it in the future, with an option to push it forward, takes the pressure off. And your disappearing for a while is probably your best shot at shifting your, um, zoological category -- to potential "animal in bed" from emotional support animal in the Hello Kitty diaper for the plane.