Darth Vaper

I just accompanied my best friend on this extremely stressful trip to put her mom into assisted living. My friend vapes, and I started vaping, too, after being off nicotine for years. I bought a vape, but I'm hiding it from my wife because she's so judgmental about it. I'm not ready to stop yet, but I feel awful hiding it.

--Hooked

What's worse than the crime? The cover-up -- when your wife asks "How was your day, honey?" and you just nod as vape smoke leaks out of your nostrils. Your hiding your vaping is an "instrumental lie." This kind of deceit, explains deception researcher Bella DePaulo, is a self-serving lie used as an "instrument" to unfairly influence other people's behavior -- allowing the liar to get what they want, do what they want, or avoid punishment. Chances are, the "punishment" you're avoiding is the rotten feelings you'd have in the wake of your wife's dismay that your old BFF, nicotine, is back. However, DePaulo's research on people duped by those close to them suggests that covering up the truth is ultimately more costly -- leading to far more and far longer-lasting feelbad. It makes sense that the betrayal is the bigger deal because it socks the duped person right in the ego, telling them they were a sucker for being so trusting. In romantic situations, a duped person's notion of the relationship as a safe space -- a place where they can let their guard down -- gets shaken or shattered when reality turns out to be "reality" in a fake nose and glasses. Telling the truth, on the other hand -- leaving your wife feeling disappointed, but not deceived -- sets the stage for a discussion instead of a prosecution. This allows your wife the emotional space to see the real you -- the you who broke down and started vaping while doing this emotionally grueling very kind deed. (What?! You aren't made of titanium?!) Compassion from your wife should mean more leeway for you to set the behavioral agenda -- to tell her that you want to stop but ask that she let you do it on your own timetable. This isn't to say you should always be perfectly or immediately honest. For example, if you prefer your wife with longer hair, that's something she needs to know -- eventually. But at that moment when she walks in with an "edgy" new haircut, "Helloo, beautiful!" is actually the best policy -- as opposed to the more honest "Whoa! Stevie Wonder attack you with a pair of garden shears?"