Complain Crash

My 22-year-old son's new girlfriend is extremely pretty. She has a great figure and dresses to show it off, so I understand the attraction. However, she's also spoiled, lazy, and kind of a scam artist. (She bragged about cheating a small business.) I pointed out her shortcomings to my son, but he refused to listen and even defended her. Can I get him to end it without being the overbearing mother?

--Upset Mom

Though you see only flaws, your son sees a lot in this woman: BOOOOOOOBS! It's natural you'd want to scold him away from a train wreck with cleavage, same as you'd save him from a speeding car about to turn him into a human hood ornament. However, telling him all the reasons this woman's awful -- which amounts to pressuring him to dump her -- is exactly the wrong thing to do. Consider Romeo and Juliet (and let's momentarily forget they were fictional characters). As teen love goes, I suspect they would've gotten bored and cheated on each other in under a month if their parents hadn't been all, "We forbid you to see that Montague knave/that Capulet tramp!" When our freedom of choice -- our freedom to do as we want -- is threatened (even just by people trying to persuade us to change our ways), it triggers a motivational state that social psychologist Jack Brehm called "reactance." Reactance is a form of rebellion -- a "reaction" against control, energizing a person to resist, to keep engaging in the behavior they're being pressed to stop. Reactance can even strengthen the person's resolve -- increase their desire for whatever (or whomever) somebody's urging them to part company with. Basically, by telling your son all the reasons he should dump this woman, you turn him into the pro bono defense attorney for her humanitarianism -- like how she, um...um...runs a rescue for designer handbags! Character doesn't always seem important in a partner until a person gets knocked around by somebody with some big vacancies in that department. In other words, if you want your son to dump this ethically elastic chickie, the ideal thing to say is nothing. Let him marinate in her bad character. Hard as it will be to keep mum, you might try to view him as midway through the natural recovery process in the wake of contracting a nasty parasite -- one that's 5-foot-7 and blonde with window-sized Gucci sunglasses you suspect she lifted from some distracted wealthy lady's restaurant table. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.