Comparison Chopping

My boyfriend and I broke up two years ago, and I guess I'm not over him. I'm not still pining for my ex, but I find myself comparing every guy I date to him. How do I get him out of my head?

--Haunted

When you're looking for love, it's good to avoid wearing distracting jewelry, like an ex-boyfriend-shaped anvil on a chain around your neck. But maybe you don't have the problem you think you do: not being over your ex. After all, you say you aren't pining over the guy. Consider that we don't make judgments by pulling them out of thin air. We need comparisons -- to things, people, or prices -- as a starting point. An example of this comes from economic psychology. Psychologists Daniel Kahneman and Amos Tversky observed that the price a person is initially exposed to serves as an "anchor," influencing decisions they subsequently make. For example, Kahneman writes that upon mention of a charitable contribution of $5, research participants were willing to contribute $20, on average. "When the anchor was a rather extravagant $400, the willingness to pay rose to an average of $143." However, when we have no reference point, no starting point for comparison, judgments we make tend to be all over the place, not refined or useful. For example, "Is ice cream good?" versus the comparison, "Is ice cream better than gluten-free kale cookies sweetened with artisanal tree rot?" Chances are you're using your ex as a reference point to recognize the qualities you do and don't want in men you encounter. Consider divorcing these qualities from the man by listing them, perhaps in a note on your phone you can periodically reflect on. It might not entirely remove him from your mind, but it could make you feel less haunted by him, less like you aren't over him. Remember, "Objects in the rearview mirror..." um, look much closer when you rope them to your mental hood like a deer. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.