Check, Mate!

I'm a 28-year-old guy, and I read your column on how men and women are clueless about who's supposed to pay and when. I've had dates be insulted when I wouldn't take their money and others insulted when I did. Is there an optimal strategy for the first few dates?

--Lost

Meet the flexible feminist. She can do an hour and a half straight on why we need to "smash the patriarchy," but when the check comes, she reaches in her purse and pulls out a tube of lip gloss. As I pointed out in that column you mention, sociologist Janet Lever and her colleagues find one striking commonality between men and women: intense confusion about who should pay and when. For example, nearly 60 percent of women said they "always" offer to help pay, even on the first date. Meanwhile, 39 percent of women wish men would reject their offer to pay -- but 40 percent say it bothers them when men don't accept their money. Argh, huh? Because female emotions evolved to push women to feel bad when they're with a man who shows no signs of being a "provider," I think it's wise for a guy to pick up the tab on the first few dates. The researchers concur, explaining that "men who fail to pay risk being viewed as lacking economic resources or as being uninterested, unchivalrous, or -- worse yet -- cheap." That said, your investment should be more symbolic than substantial, and you keep it that way by following my three-point advice for the first few dates: Make them cheap, short, and local. This means, for example, getting to know a woman over happy-hour drinks -- as opposed to the kind poured by a sommelier (flanked by his two assistants) who comes to your table right after the team of loan officers helps you finalize your paperwork.