Champagne And Suffering

I'm a 30-year-old gay guy. I was laid off, and I'm freelancing crazy hours to try to pay my rent and bills. My best friend's birthday was this past weekend, and I did what I could timewise (and put a modest gift on my credit card), but he's totally bent out of shape because he feels like I neglected him. He equates the attention you pay to his birthday with how much you care, which is so ridiculous.

--Feeling Bad

What kind of friend are you that you couldn't, say, sell a kidney on the black market and buy the guy a proper gift? Yes, it seems you prioritized frivolities such as paying rent and keeping the lights on without needing to rig a treadmill for your dog to chase a piece of bacon on a string. Of course, putting your financial survival first doesn't mean you're a bad friend. The, uh, brat of honor probably just sees it that way because of what psychologists call "attribution bias." This describes how we tend to be charitable in explaining our own errors and failings -- excusing them as situational (the result of something that's happened to us) -- while attributing others' to the sort of people they are (compassionless, birthday-hating monsters). Have a sit-down with your friend and explain that you care deeply about him. (Review your history of showing this.) Emphasize that it was a lack of time and funding, not a lack of feeling, that kept you from, say, renting a sufficiently mansionesque bouncy house or hiring David Blaine to make balloon animals on his special day. Apply compassion. Recognize that there's probably some woundyplace in him that makes him this way, basically expecting his birthday to be treated like some major national holiday. Okay, maybe the guy's first name is Martin. Chances are, the two that follow aren't "Luther" and "King."