Canine And A Half Weeks

My boyfriend adopted a beady-eyed pit bull mix three months ago and shows it more affection than he shows me. He talks to it like it understands everything he says, then praises it for not answering. When I said the dog's clueless silence does not mean agreement, he got mad and consoled "Heather" as if I'd hurt her feelings. He even wants it in our bed.

--Barking Mad

If there's a challenge to your relationship, you expect it to at least come from a member of your own species -- one whose lingerie labels read "Victoria's Secret," not "PETCO." Take your boyfriend out for drinks, tell him what's great about your relationship, and see what he has to say when you explain that you're feeling a little hurt that you now seem to come second to a creature that scoots its butt on the rug. It's possible he has commitment issues and is trying to push you away, or wants to break up but is trying to force you to do the deed. It's also possible that you've discovered who your boyfriend really is -- a guy who has deep conversations with his dog. If so, you may decide that there's a conflict in sensibilities that just can't be bridged. In that case, I think you know what he'll say: "Heather says to tell you, 'Don't let the doggie door hit you on the way out.'"