Can't Bi Me Love

I'm a bisexual 29-year-old woman. I just started dating an awesome guy and ultimately see myself in a long-term hetero relationship. However, though I've only dated a girl once, I am extremely aroused by women, and now I'm struggling to get turned on with my new partner.

--Blahs

There's an elephant in the room, but unfortunately, it isn't the kind you can climb on and ride off to the nearest girlbar. Sexual orientation, as explained by Kinsey Institute research fellow Justin Lehmiller in "Tell Me What You Want," is "the degree to which we are biologically predisposed to desiring men, women, both, or neither." There's another factor in play -- "sexual flexibility" -- which Lehmiller describes as "a willingness to deviate not only from our sexual orientation but also from what our culture and society have told us we should want when it comes to sex." You may see yourself in that classic hetero relationship out of a '50s magazine ad -- mommy, daddy, picket fence-ie, and the rest. Unfortunately, wanting to be turned on by somebody isn't enough to make it happen. Remove the labels from the equation -- lesbian, bi, hetero -- and figure out the physical characteristics that need to be present for you to be attracted to another person. Maybe it's just this dude who doesn't work for you -- or maybe no dude would do it for you. Be honest with yourself about that -- even if it would muck up your current relationship plan. For a relationship to be viable, the thing you say to your boyfriend in bed should not be: "Hey, honey...know what would really turn me on? If you left the room and sent Felicia in here in your place."