Burt And Urnie

I've been dating a widow for two years, and I feel inadequate compared with her dead husband, whom she always describes in glowing terms. He liked to dance; I don't. He cooked; I don't. He didn't drink; I do. I understand that she was very happy with her late husband, but this constant comparison with him is wearing on me.

--Mr. Boyfriend

It's always exciting to see a man rebound after a serious setback -- except when you're the new guy in his widow's life and the setback is that he was cremated three years ago. As for why your girlfriend keeps inviting the Ghost of Husband Past into your lives, consider that thoughts -- like those glowing ones about him -- are driven by emotions. And consider that emotions aren't just internal states; they also act as signals -- a form of person-to-person advertising. For example, research by social psych grad student Bo Winegard and his colleagues finds that grief seems to be, among other things, a kind of broadcasting of a person's "proclivity to form devoted bonds with others." (In other words, "Trust me! I love deeply!") As for what your girlfriend's signaling with all this late-husband reflux, maybe she's telling you to back off -- maybe because she fears another big loss. Maybe she wants you to try harder at something -- which isn't helpful if it's being somebody else entirely. Or maybe she just misses her late hubby (or feels guilty for being happy with you) and this is her way of keeping him around -- in some form. Ask her -- in the most non-snarly, loving way -- what she's trying to communicate to you when she waxes on about him. Tell her it hurts your feelings -- giving you the message that you're failing her somehow. Maybe she'll start appreciating what she has instead of being so focused on what she buried. (Date night shouldn't involve your waving goodbye to your girlfriend as she goes off with a picnic dinner to the cemetery.)