Buddy Surfing

This guy and I have been friends with benefits for six months. We were casual friends for two years prior to hooking up, but we have gotten much closer since. So, can FWB things ever turn into real relationships, or did we blow our chance?

--Hoping

Friends-with-benefits arrangements are, to some degree, replacing dating. Unfortunately, trying to turn an FWB thing into a relationship can be like trying to return a shirt. One you've worn. For a while. You march straight up to the counter and lay the thing out. The guy at the register frowns: "Ma'am, Macy's closed six years ago. This is Chipotle now." It's helpful to understand what anthropologist Helen Fisher and her colleagues have discovered -- that lust, love, and attachment aren't just emotions; they are motivational systems (ultimately for the purpose of reproduction and child rearing). Lust eventually wanes (which makes sense, because "Ohhh, baby" needs to give way to feeding the baby). The neurochemistry behind lust "can trigger expressions of attachment," Fisher explains. However, in men, high testosterone -- in general or from having sex -- "can reduce attachment." This is probably more likely if a man has a "high baseline level of testosterone," which is typically reflected in a strong jaw and chin, a muscular body, and dominant behavior. Because you two were friends first and seem to care about each other, maybe you can be more than sex friends. Tell him you really enjoy hanging with him, and ask whether he'd be up for more than FWB. But take the low-pressure approach: You don't want an answer on the spot; you'd just like him to think about it. This should make you seem less desperate and possibly let him feel like having more was his idea. If he wants less, you should probably stop seeing him -- at least naked -- for a while. He may end up missing you, which could energize his interest in you in a way FWB tends not to do. (They call it "the thrill of the chase," not the thrill of "you can text any day at 2 a.m. and she'll let you come over.")