Boys Will Be Decoys

I often come off needy and desperate, so I'm trying to play it cool with this great new guy I'm dating -- a new and difficult tactic for me. There are two other guys who are into me. I'm not into them, but I'm tempted to keep them on the back burner -- you know, throw them a few crumbs now and then to keep them hooked so they can be a distraction from the new guy. I know this is user-y, so I haven't decided to do it, but I also haven't come clean about where I'm really at. And I have to admit I don't mind the validation they give me. Ugh.

--Torn

If you're going to turn men into emotional support knickknacks, why not go all the way? Cut their hearts out and stick them in Mason jars with cute labels written in glitter pen. What you're contemplating is romantic fraud. Sure, stacking up irrelevant men like firewood so you can climb into the arms of the man you want is easier than exploring why you "often come off needy and desperate." A wild guess: Because you are? Typically, this comes out of trying to use a guy for jobs he can never fill, like making you feel okay about you. If that's the problem, get to work on fixing it. In the meantime, avoid coming off needy and desperate by acting like a woman who might end up wanting a man but doesn't need him. That woman doesn't barrage him with calls, texts, and surprise visits -- or text back with an immediacy that suggests she's been hovering over her phone like a starving hawk circling the den of the last prairie dog on earth. Get your restraint where you can, like by responding to a text from him by giving your phone to somebody to lock in a drawer for an hour. Waiting to text back will help you come off like the woman you should try to be, one who embodies the understanding that emotional security comes from within -- and no, not from within a bunch of other people.