Blarenaked Ladies

Whenever I feel like I click with someone, I want to be upfront and tell them I like them right away. My friends all say this is dating suicide (and that's how it's been working out for me). But if I'm looking for emotional honesty in a partner, shouldn't I lead with it?

--Confused

If we're arrested, we have a right to remain silent. Ideally, we don't just confess: "That was me, robbing the 7-Eleven. See -- there on the video -- that's my hair." Best practices for criminals are also helpful for dating. In short, leaving some mystery as to whether you're all in will make you seem more desirable. Consider that we value things that are hard to get, which is why people spend thousands of dollars on rings with sparkly rocks chipped out of African mines when there are very pretty sparkly pebbles that can be picked up all over suburbia. Psychologist Robert Cialdini explains that the less available something seems, the more desirable we perceive it to be. This doesn't mean it is more valuable, but fear of losing access to it kicks off a motivational state in us: a drive to get it that we don't feel when we hear, "More where that came from! Our supply's basically on the level of 'plague of locusts.'" The thing is, you can tell somebody you're into them through how you look at them and touch them. Consider where your longing to be immediately "honest" in spoken-word form might be coming from. Holding back information causes psychological tension, as does the suspense when we're left wondering how another person feels. This tension is uncomfortable, so we long to relieve the pressure, like by exploding our feelz all over the person who inspired them. Tension released! Uh, along with the message that we're probably deeply needy and "not all that." Try an experiment: With the next three guys you date, make a pact with yourself to tough out the discomfort instead of flapping your lips to make it go away. In practical terms: Don't confess. Just be. You'll ultimately have a better chance of finding the "emotional honesty" you're looking for than if you try to rush the process -- like by calling the guy up and blurting out, "Hi...I really love you!" A strangely familiar male voice responds: "I'm sorry, Ma'am. This is the gas company." ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.