Bland Of Brothers

I swear I see this line in almost every guy's online dating profile: "Looking for a real woman." What exactly does that mean?

--Real Curious

A guy advertising for "a real woman" sounds selective -- while not ruling out anyone on the planet with a working vagina. (Even a woman who's 51 percent silicone isn't going to say, "Whoops, I'm too fake to reply.") As for what it means, well, it means he's looking for a woman with real breasts. Or, a woman with real-looking fake breasts. A woman who knows how to change a tire. Or, a woman who knows to stand back and watch the man change the tire. Mostly, it's a euphemism for "I don't know what I want, but I don't want what I just had." Being so vague is pretty dumb, considering the medium. In a bar, you can only hope the hot thing across the room has the qualities you seek. The Internet affords you the opportunity to articulate exactly what you want: "funny, easygoing, college-educated, adulterous." Even being the slightest bit more specific helps; for example, as one "real woman"-seeker put it: "I'm looking for a real woman who wants to have sex with a married man."