Between A Lock And A Hard Place

My upstairs neighbors, a lesbian couple, are my best friends. We have keys to each other's apartments and just walk in and out. I love this, but I don't want them walking in when I'm with a guy. If I call them to tell them I have plans and it's just a hookup, I'll get disapproving looks and lectures about how I won't be able to handle it, will be miserable, etc. How can I keep them from walking in and also keep them from knowing what I'm up to?

--Downstairs Neighbor

There are things your friends don't need to know about you, and "Who wears the Jimmy Carter mask when you're in bed?" is one of the biggies. You can hang some item on your doorknob -- a little charm, an elastic bracelet, etc. -- to signal to your neighbors, "Um, now is not a good time!" (and, of course, let them know this new code). To solve the other part of your problem -- unsolicited opinions about your sex life -- consider using "strategic ambiguity." Organizational communications researcher Eric Eisenberg points out that clear communication is not always in our best interest. Sometimes, being purposely vague, leaving room for "multiple interpretations," is ideal, reducing conflict and preserving relationships. Basically, you need to pair a clear message about when it's a bad time to come in with an unclear message about why. This transforms a sign that would've meant one particular thing -- I've ordered in from Tinder Eats -- into a sign that could mean any number of things: I'm sick. I'm napping. I'm on a phone call. I'm spread-eagled over a mirror trying to decide whether Martin, my mole, is cancerous. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.