Best Man For The Sob

I'm a 28-year-old guy with an amazing girlfriend. She gets upset and sometimes cries, and I never know how to soothe her. I'm afraid to say the wrong thing, so I don't say anything at all. Of course, she then gets more upset, thinking I don't care. But I do care, and I want her to know.

--Tongue-Tied

When things get emotionally fraught in a relationship, it's tempting to wish for a simpler existence -- like being a dog so all that's expected of you is 1. Don't pee on the rug. 2. Sit still while the girlfriend dresses you up as a bee. In fact, if you're like a lot of men, a female partner's tears are liquid kryptonite, causing you to pretty much lose consciousness while appearing to be totally awake and ambulatory. Women may not entirely get this -- or the extent of it -- because of some sex differences in emotion processing. Generally speaking, putting it in collegiate terms, the female mind majors in psychology; the male mind majors in physics -- though individual male and female minds vary, of course. Research by psychologist Simon Baron-Cohen finds that women tend to be the "empathizers" of the species, driven (from childhood on) to identify others' "emotions and thoughts, and to respond to these with an appropriate emotion." Men, on the other hand, tend to be "systematizers" -- driven to understand the inner workings of the blender. The good news is, there's a secret -- even for the most emotionally inarticulate man -- for comforting an upset woman: You don't have to be Shakespeare; just don't go all shutupspeare. For example, last week, when I was bummed about something -- to the point of tears -- I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and he said the sweetest thing: "I'm bad at this" (meaning knowing what to say) "but I want to help you feel better." This made me feel loved -- and better. Also, it was kind of sexy. (Showing vulnerability, contrary to what many believe, is a sign not of weakness but of strength -- suggesting you have enough social and emotional capital not to act all superhero all the time.) As an emergency measure -- if even the words about not having the right words fail you -- you can communicate your desire to comfort her with a hug, hair stroking, and other loving gestures. Again, just be sure to make some kind of effort to soothe her (lest she add feeling emotionally abandoned by her boyfriend to her boohoo list). Ideally, when your girlfriend suddenly wants to try some new positions, they aren't things like standing on the base of the fireplace as she's screaming at you to say something already.