As Fade Would Have It

I was dating this guy, and it was super intense. He is a big believer in soulmates, and he said he thought I was his. Of course, I was excited, and it all seemed really romantic, and then poof! He was gone. Ghosted me. What makes somebody think simply disappearing is an okay way to break up?

--So Upset

"Love is in the air" is not supposed to mean your new boyfriend disappears into it like a fine mist. Welcome to the dark side of the "We're soulmates!" thing. It turns out that a person's beliefs about the underpinnings of a successful relationship can affect how they end things -- whether they tell you it's over or just ghost you (wordlessly vanish from your life). There are "destiny beliefs," which, in their strongest incarnation, involve believing in fate and soulmates -- the notion that people in relationships "are either meant to be together or they're not," as social psychologist Gili Freedman and her colleagues put it. "Growth beliefs," on the other hand, involve the notion that "relationships grow over time" and take work; you don't just bump into your perfect partner in a train station and go off on the 6:07 to Happilyeverafter. In line with this view of relationships as a gradual process of working out conflicts, the researchers found that romantic partners with stronger growth beliefs were 38.4% less likely to indicate that ghosting is okay. However, people with destiny beliefs, like your "Fate or bust!" ex, were 63.4% more likely to find it acceptable to take the disappearo way out. But interestingly, Freedman and her colleagues note that "high scores on destiny do not equal low scores on growth," which means somebody can believe both in soulmates and in working to improve relationships. (Also, even soulmatehood devotees can understand that another person is a person, with feelings.) In other words, don't assume that anybody who believes in soulmates will disappear without explanation -- going from an exuberant "Babe, you complete me!" to a silent "Boy, am I glad I didn't give you my key!" ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.