A Labor Of Leave

I haven't had sex since my last breakup, and I'm all lusty. I really like this guy, but he seems to have some intimacy issues. We went on a coffee date, and the chemistry made things go further than I would have wanted or expected (making out like crazy in the car). My friends keep reminding me to build trust and friendship before sex. But can you really go backward? Like, is it possible to just hang out and chat once things have gotten hot and heavy?

--Lustbucket

A nice thick pane of bulletproof glass between two people is an underappreciated chastity helper, which is to say, in a perfect world, you'd plan your dates around one of you getting a job in a check-cashing place or getting arrested and held without bail. There's a tendency when you've initially gone a little too heavy into the heavy petting to be all: "Oh, well...cat's out of the bag. Let's just go straight to the sex dungeon." However, for women especially, having sex right away can lead to a sort of psychological blinding to their sex partner's shortcomings. Women seem more prone to getting attached when they have sex. This is thought to result from surging oxytocin, a hormone associated with emotional bonding between mothers and children, as well as lovers. Oxytocin is released in both men and women through cuddling, kissing, and especially through orgasm. However, in men, having sex also sets off a big blast of testosterone. Testosterone goes all nightclub bouncer on oxytocin, blocking it from getting to its receptor. So just as a woman's going all melt-o about a guy, if the guy has no pre-sex emotional attachment to her, his neurochemistry is prodding him to say something sweet and romantic, like "Thanks for the ride! Have a great life!" In other words, the bulletproof glass suggestion isn't all that outrageous. It's a form of "precommitment," a strategy by economist Thomas Schelling that involves preparing in advance to make it difficult for you to break a promise or duck a goal. Incorporating precommitment could mean only scheduling lunch dates in restaurants and only on days when you have a work meeting right afterward. Another idea is getting to know each other over the phone more than in person -- with the caveat that you only do it in relatively public places, where turning FaceTime into PenisTime is likely to lead to, um, jail time. ... For pages and pages of "science-help" from me, buy my latest book, "Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence." It lays out the PROCESS of transforming to live w/confidence.